I recently saw your video for "Just Like Me" and I was mesmorized. My adoption story is a bit different from yours and from others who have written in. I just returned home from the hospital where on April 1st, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful, and just amazing little boy. This was my first child and he went home with another family. I can tell you and everyone else out there how extremely difficult this time has been for me and my family. I am 23 years old. I just started my dream job and I broke up with the baby's father before I even knew I was pregnant. The baby's father has not supported me financially or emotionally at all since I told him I was pregnant and I worried about what the situation would be like if I kept the baby. I still fight with myself everyday over my decision to put the baby up for adoption, I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing for him. I know that when I am ready to be a mother, I will be a good mother, but I am not ready now and someone else is.
I picked the adopting family myself, which has helped me feel like I will be a part of my child's future even if I am not there in person. They are a wonderful couple who have a 4 year old son who is also adopted. I will never be able to thank them enough for opening their home and their hearts to my son. When I held my child in my arms for the first time, so many emotions went through my mind. I felt that motherly bond and wanted nothing more than to take him home with me and raise him myself, everyone else be damned and in that second, I changed my mind. I called my mom and all the social workers and said I'm sorry but I'm taking MY baby home with ME. I was excited to have this tiny, wonderful little boy sleeping happily in my arms. But most of all I was fearful. I feared raising him myself because I wasn't prepared. I had no room set up for him, I had no clothes, no diapers, no formula, but I thought that there were so many people worse off than I am and they've raised wonderful children. Then I thought about work. I have to wake up every morning at 4 am to be at work on time. Where was I going to find child care that early in the morning? I looked and it just doesn't exist. More than anything in the world, I wanted my mom to say to me that she would help me, that she would watch him while I was working. But she never said it. I wanted to hate her, wanted to blame her for keeping me from my son, but I couldn't. She isn't ready to be a grandmother and has her own life to live. Finally I thought about the father of my child. If I took my son home with me, his father has every right to be involved in his life, and that was something I had to deal with. Like I had said, his father was nowhere to be found during my pregnancy, in fact I had told him of my due date of March 24th, and it came and went without even a phone call. He works deadend jobs and has a violent temper at times where he punches walls and furniture at times. He had never laid a hand on me, but would he be able to cope with a crying screaming baby for hours on end? I can't definitely say and I wasn't willing to take that chance.
So as I lay in bed with my son sleeping in my arms, I looked at his beautiful, content face, and I mean REALLY looked and I knew then that adoption WAS the right thing to do. My heart shattered as I thought about everything I was going to miss. I wouldn't see my son crawl or walk for the first time, hear his first words, be there for holidays and birthdays, and first days of school. But then I also thought that someone WILL be there for him through all the good times and the bad. I don't think my son will have a better life, but a different life. One in which there will always be someone to hold him when he cries, not a tired, cranky single mother. My son is a very lucky little boy because he is loved by so many people and I know that he will grow up happy and healthy and even though I'm not raising him myself, I did have a part in raising him since I chose his family. This was my first full day back home, and it's an extremely difficult time for me. I hardly eat or sleep, and I cry all the time. I went shopping with my mom today and everywhere I went, I thought about my son. The grocery store aisle with the baby formula and diapers; the other women walking around with strollers; the crying of a baby. Things will be hard for me for a long time, but the good days will start to out number the bad, and slowly my heart will heal. I have to take solace in the fact that I was able to give life to a wonderful little boy whom I will never forget and I will always love. I gave my son the best chance for a future that I could and I hope that when he gets older that he will understand and not think ill of me. I am afraid of falling into a long period of depression. I want to live my life so that if the day ever comes when I meet my son again, I will be a woman he can be proud of, but I know I have a long and difficult road ahead of me.
I think back to how I could've avoided this whole situation if I would have just been more careful, and it makes me hate myself, but in time I will not think back with sadness, but with wonder and a sense of calmness. Soon, I will see a mother and her child at the park and not cry, but know that somewhere, my son is just as cared for and just as happy. My heart goes out to everyone affected by adoption: the mothers who were brave enough to put their child's best interest before all else, the families who open their homes and hearts to those children, and to those who have been lucky enough to be adopted. It's not an easy road for anyone involved, but hearts do heal and time does go on. I love you Thomas Andrew, and you will forever be in my heart. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. I hope you grow up safe, healthy, and happy and I pray that we will meet again.
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